was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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