I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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