I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
