My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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