I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
