3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
