nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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