Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
