How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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