You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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