Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
