everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize