Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
