God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I puked a lego.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
