New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
