Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
