After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
