Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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