hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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