my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
