Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
