im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
