I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
