Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
