you mean i was at the winter classic?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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