Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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