Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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