So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
