where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
