Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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