Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
