But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
