I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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