My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
