They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
