3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
