I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
