Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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