i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
