that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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