I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
