Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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