I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
