im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.