i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
