I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
handjob tips. give me some.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
