i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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