i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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