Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.