i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes