He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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