Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
