Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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