so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
