You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
