i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
