I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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