woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
