So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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