I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
