Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
