Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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