When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
